ok....i cannot deny the fact that im 17 now.
dunno whether to be happy or sad.
had the normal routine today at sch
den received xin hui prezzie and my project group presents.
alright, xin hui gave mi a cushion.
the cover sheet of the cushion is actually a plain 1
but she very sweet lor
stitch some wordings on it
so touched...
ok...the feeling is like i dunno how to say lor
its too difficult to write down here
on the overall, i juz felt touch and happy to have a sweet fren like her lor.
:) thankyou xin hui...u should know how much u mean to mi ok?
den my project group gave mi a set of accessories. necklace, ear rings, and bracelet.
thank you them oso.
receive my b day greetings from my frens too...the surprising thing is...the 1st sms received was from mandy!!!! haha....she is not the slow and blur mandy anymore....haiz...anyways...miss her!
den after lesson went singapore post de this fashion buy my skirt for presentation.
after that went parkway
the heels at bata is really cheap lor...its less than $10. should have get it today.
den amanda, jia min, chun hui and teck chaite suddenly appear in front of mi and they gave mi a shocked lor.
but im really happy to c them
cos i missed them lor
den we go sit sit tok tok....
den saw geng ya
den amanda and jia bought 2 slices of cake from break tok to celebrate my b day.
but i stop them from doing so
cos i dun intend to hear any b day songs or blow off any candles...
but they insisted.
then tears juz flow
cos it really remind mi of how sad i am today
i know i shouldnt be sad
but there is no really for mi to be happy.
i juz know that....birthday doesnt really matter to mi now...its who im with...
and u know wat....2 yrs back...i still got my pet dog jackie to celebrate my b day with mi as we share the same b day
but this yr....he is not with mi...i could still vividly remember the different ways he tried juz to eat the b day cake....and those 'stunts' he performed cause mi to roll on the floor, laughing hard...haha...but where is he now? i dun know....haiz
i know i kinda spoil the mood today when amanda they all came speciallydown juz to help mi celebrate my b day....i really appreciated it very very much...as u all let mi feel that at least im not alone...but i juz feel like crying...forgive mi kay?
although i promised xin not to cry alone on my way home....i juz cant stop tears from flowing down in the bus...haha...memories of the past juz keep flashing...the condition of my grandma....haiz...but i felt better...although some pple in the bus treated mi and looked at mi like im a monster or smth like tt....
reached my ah ma hse late for dinner.....
den went home.
mum returned home with apple strudel to celebrate although i tell her not to get anything back....haiz
so had to hear them sing b day song and blow off the candle flame....
in the end, i still have to be 17 yr old...
but uknow wat...i feel like a pig now
am growing fatter day by day
cos i've got b day cake in my hse, moon cakes, ice cream moon cake and apple strudel...
omg~~~ wat m i going to do with them??!!!!
oh no....muz start exercising liao.....

haiz...although i dun wish to be 17, i still wanna make 3 wishes and hope that they will come true

1)my frens and family members to be happy always
2) to slim down
3) *secret*

tata....gona face the new 17 yr old mi =)

and oh ya...happy mL day to mL!!

ok...i dunno how im feeling now...
2 hours more to 17 yrs old...
but u know wat
i dun want to be 17 yrs old...
i hate 17 yrs old
i dun feel like celebrating my b day
or should i rather say
i dun want to be 17 rs old
i still want to be the 16 yr old mi
the 16 yr old days
when we are still worried over our o lvl
when we were mugging for exams in sch till evening
when i could juz c my close frens everyday
when all the sweet memories, happy memories, unhappy events took place
but why
why?
days pass so fast
soon i'll be 17, where 16 will nv occur again
where the memories will juz be memories
where meeting my frens will like have to wait for 3 to 4 mths to meet each other again?
haiz...
last time, whenever i'm low, frens will be there and i know i can always depend on them
now, although i have frens all over singapore, north, south, east, west....but where are they when i really nid them? when i need a crying shoulder....when i miss them?
i know they are always there for mi mentally...but i need them physically.
i really dunno how are they...how their live have been...wat happen to them recently...haiz...and...and...being 17 means i have to learn to be independent....and...and...i juz dun wat to b 17.....
and its a sad yr for mi to be 17 this yr...y muz something terrible happen to my grandma at september? i know im bad...but its 1 of the factor contributing to the sad-ed mood.
yesterday i go vist her, her wound is bleeding
today, my mum told mi she is running a fever.
after hearing all this, do u still want to celebrate ur b day?
haiz....
ok....i dunno...i juz feel like crying....
i juz dunno whats getting over mi...
i juz dunno what to do
i dunno wats the reason to cry for
but i juz want to cry...
guess that the samantha lim that u all know is juz a child afterall....
to my frens out there....i really miss you~~

:: Do you cry often: ya...
:: Do you often cry in front of people or alone: depends...but i prefer to cry alone
:: Have your friends ever seen you cry: yupz
:: Have you cried today: no...but feel like crying now
:: Do you usually cry for a long time:sometimes...cos it really feel good to cry out loud!
:: Do you get really red when you cry: ya...eyes and nose will become red and this make it so obvious that i've cried!
:: Have you ever cried because you were happy: yupz
:: Have you ever been someone's cryingshoulder? maybe yes...maybe no...if yes, i may forget le lor
:: Have you ever hugged someone because they were crying: i think yes ba...a person crying may need someone to comfort and console them
:: Have you ever had a shoulder to cry on: ya...but not now lor..
:: Have you been hugged when you cried: i think so
:: Do you cry during sad movies: ya...am a emotional person u c
:: Do you cry while reading books: no...its not so real...i will juz feel very very very touched thats all
:: Does music make you cry: yes...especially and im in a very bad mood or recalling something sad
:: Have you ever been called a cry baby: yes...when i was young, by my parents
:: Have you ever tried to stop yourself fromcrying: of cos...but its difficult to control...tears will juz eventually stream down
:: Have you ever cried in front of a teacher: yup...mr naufal...the very 1st teacher who touched mi
:: Does this survey make you want to cry?: erm...no...but it makes mi think of the happy and unhappy past which i miss very much
:: Have you ever cried over a guy/girl: ya...
:: Do you cry when you are physically hurt: erm depends...but when im really in pain, i cant control
:: Do you cry when you are scared: ya
:: Do you cry when you are mad: ya...thats wat i'll do when im really angry
:: Do you cry over bad grades?: yupz...especially those i really out in effort to study
:: Have you ever cried over spilled milk: erm...forget liao...maybe ba
:: Can you make yourself cry: haha...ya...im emotional...can cry for nth 1
:: When was the last time you cried: erm...forget liao
:: Have you ever cried because you were sad for someone else: yes
:: Do you have a favorite crying quote: yes...cry out loud!!! u'll feel better
:: Have you ever cried for anyone who wouldn't cry for you: yes...crush..infatuation and whatsoever
:: Do you ever cry on anniversaries of things?: erm...no at a moment
:: Do you cry over someone you love becoz they have a gf/bf? erm...no comments
::When was the last time u felt loved and u cried? erm......forget when liao
::Who is the person you always cry for? : myself? erm cos i tend to think too much
:: Will you cry because this survey is over: u muz be crazy

ok...am back from my grandma home.
her wound is bleeding lor...
haiz
c her so pain, my heart oso very pain.

go parkway de crystal jade for dinner
den my uncle treat mi swensens ice cream mooncake and bengawan solo de banana and greentea snow skin moon cake as my b day present.
thank you uncle...

after that den go grandma hse lor.
she gave mi $100 ang pao as b day gift.
and...i said thank you lor....wat else could i do?
cant give her a hug cos i'll hurt her
haiz....

its a sad b day to go this yr...
a sad 17 b day
sad-ed

frens out there....
u know wat?
counting down 5 more days....
to 17 yr old!!!
haha
:)

in school now
having ITAB ( information technology applications in business )
sian
learning how to use excel 'detailed-ly'
*yawnz*

juz came back from General Hospital
the walk from outram mrt to the hospital is far can...
haiz
after that went to the ward visit my grandma...
she looks weak....
haiz...
den she oso very sad although she nv express out...
she showed us her bandaged chest...
and she said : "c...1 big 1 small now" den tear roll down from the side of her eyes.
ok...
dunno what to say
having a mixed feelings now...
cos i feel that, breast to a female, give us an identity proving that we are women.
how would u feel if 1 side of ur breast, which u have had since the start of puberty, is gone within the few hours of operation and not having it back again?
weird isn't it?
for mi, i dun feel weird
but i will feel humiliated...
and i dun know if i still consider myself as a woman or not.
haiz...
but health is the most impt thing...
having lost the 1 side of her breast to save her life is worth it.
and i saw how my grandpa took care of my grandma...
i was like so touched with every actions of my grandpa and envy my grandma so much.
they were so loving...and i was like a light bulb that shining at dunno how many volts lor.
haha.
my grandma is so lucky and xin fu...
cos she have grandpa by her side, taking care of her....tending to her every needs.
this scene makes mi wonder how will i be when im old...
haha
and thx my frens who sent mi sms, encouring mi to be strong and assuring mi that everything will turn out fine. thx ya....wenna, li ling, amanda....
not forgetting clarissa, shun wei and jia min
so sorry that i make u all worried for mi
will take care of myself de...
i promise..
and frens...1 more week to my bday
dun forget hor!
haha...
muz go study for my econs cos having mock test tml!!!!
stressed!!!!

ok....today went to have lunch with my grandma b4 entering the hospital...
and she was like keeping taking those dishes to my plate of rice
den keep saying "eat more...u big liao...want to eat anything juz take urself"
haiz...
i dunno wat to say...i juz nod my head and say thank you.

after that go admin her to General Hospital.
den pei her awhile b4 we go home.
den my grandma c us off outside the lift.
i have the urge to hug her b4 i go but i didnt
and now i miss her hug....
i could c her trying to hold back her tears while
saying bye bye to us....
i was holding mine back too
i dun want to start the atmosphere to let the rest of my family members cry...
haiz...
den at night mt parents go hospital again to accompany her eat dinner
den my father said...when they were abt to leave, my uncle start crying
followed by my mum
followed by my grandpa
den my grandma...
heart-wrentching scence.
lucky i was not there
cos i can cry now by juz imagining the situation
not to say if i was there.

and...and...my tears are rolling down now...cos i start to miss my grandma already...
i've nv ever in my life miss her so much...
i wonder how is she doing
is the bed comfortable for her
is she lonely cos she is left alone in the hospital w/o television
is she scared of the operation tommorow or not...
haiz...i dunno wat to say...
will visit her tml after my jap lesson...

and oh ya...today is mandy de b day
wish her happy b day.

went tampines mall today to look see those formal clothings for my presentation.
but 1 from metro @ $9.90
its cheap lor...
but dunno acceptable or not.
after that go my grandmother hse (father's mum) to have dinner
long time didnt go and have dinner there eversince the start of work...
and when they see my enter their hse
they were like so surprised and happy to c mi....
actually...to make them happi is simple after all...
juz go and visit them, smile, tok and laugh with them will do...
simple things like this, no one seems to understand
and when everything is too late, its juz too late.
after that, went to my grandma (mum's mum) hse to visit her
and i ask her how was she feeling,
she say not good...
haiz
she's going for her operation this coming monday....
*prays hard*

wats the time now....
haha
its 2:38AM in the morning and im still here
doing this lame effective communication project.
tired can...
ya...guess my mum had been crying silently at night in bed
cos when i went into her rooms juz now,
she was crying again
sigh...
wat can i do?
i can't comfort her
or should i say i dunno how to...
wat a stupid daughter....
when im down, at least got my frens there to cheer mi up...
but my mum was like suffering alone in silence...
haiz...
when can this types of days end?
i really tired...
but i can't slp b4 finishing my project.
dun be surprised too much if u c mi really shagged with 10 rings under my eyes...

sad.... really sad.... dunno what should i do now.... cancer...wat a nice name.... but a painful sickness.... use to watch them on tv...but i didnt expect that it will happen to someone so dear to mi. ya...my grandma....the result came out... its breast cancer....malignant de... im so scare now. when i got home from work yesterday night... my mum was like in her room crying... u know how i feel mah... its like...to mi, my mum is really a strong person... someone who can protect mi, punish mi, shelther mi thru rain and storms... but...she broke down...really broke down in front of us im speechless... dunno wat to say...dunno how to comfort....helpless... all i could do was to watch her cry... upon hearing the news...i couldnt react. i juz felt my heart go numb...i felt cold and i start to shiver a little but i did not cry...i tried not to cry...i cannot cry...i dunno...tears juz didnt manage to drop. having wild tots...no no no...nothing muz happen to my grandma... although everybody on this earth have to leave this yr someday... but....i really hope everyone ard mi can die peacefully and 'easily' as in not suffer pain before they leave this world... i couldnt slp properly last night...and my mind was like blank this morning in school i dun feel like saying anything dun feel like eating dun feel like doing everything. i juz want to stare into the space... haiz... but...i can never do this... lots more project is going to due. test test and tests im now really stressed! i really dunno wat i can do within this limited time period i feel like giving up giving up on my studies giving up on my projects and giving up on myself. and today....another person was killed by the train at bishan... who knows i might be the next one...? but i know i'm sensible enuff not to be so silly. but when things really drive mi crazy.... i think i wun know ' sensible ' this word. haha im mad really mad. told amanda's mum that i cant continue to work as a promoter. i felt so bad. its like im so irresponsible. but...i really dunno wat will happen to mi if i continue to work. she asked mi y... and i told her its becos of my grandma... and guess wat... my tears finally drop.... infront of her... but i really felt better after crying.... and i feel like crying one more time... acting strong juz wasnt mi not mi arn't mi isn't mi haiz... bought the samsung mp3 today. they give mi the new stock. lucky if not i have to take the display set cos they are selling real cheap and there are no more stock left. this is my b day present from xin hui and gang cos they sponsor mi $100 and the rest i pay...which was abt $120 but didnt have the mood to explore it now.... maybe other time when i m free.... thank kew them...lurve them think im not going to do my tutorial...juz tell my tutor i didnt do. have to rush thru my effective communication proposal its due on friday but i only done like 20%? haiz....my english suck....thats y i suck

tired... really tired... really regret regret to work.... always tot its very simple... always think that yr 1 only.... halfway work half way study wun die... but im wrong... utterly wrong... look at the situation i m now... i can only sigh really hope that i can quit now... but pple will thik that im very irresponsible... i dunno how to organise my time... feel like im on the verge of breaking down... i hate myself... i hate time cos it is running way too fast for mi to catch up... i hate work...cos its taking too much of my time... test is coming up and i haven even touch my books and start to revise.... when i reach home from work....tired until cant study le... haiz.... money is impt....time is more impt... samantha...u juz have to put up with all this for 2 more weeks.... *hope that they will have 1 more promoter coming in to lessen my burden* ^sobz^

was back from fairytale to reality.
my fairytale is that i can actually stay out late and return home 15 min b4 1am.
but u guess wat...im now back to reality
and the reality is...facing my mum's music
haha...

ok lah...she didnt nagged much surprisingly
she juz ask mi if i had my dinner or not
den say next time blah blah blah
haha
*phew*

ok...start of the day
went woodlands library to meet for MOB project
haha
finshed abt 80% of it le
after that went Lido cinema to meet mL+saRs
miss them like hell...hugged them
except jin and clar
den decided to watch a cinderella story...
but all tic sold out for the 7-8 pm slot de
so we decided to catch the 10pm de.
its an obstacle for mi cos im not sure whether im allowed to reach home late or not.
so i call my mum to seek permission...
and thats how the conversation go

mi : mum ar....i'll reach home late abt 12 sumthing hor.
mum : y so late?
mi : cos the show late den start mah...nvm lah hor...i love u, u love mi mah...okok?
mum : u better get home earlier! *screamS* SIAO CHA BO
*hang up the fone*

haha
funny rite?
especially the siao cha bo and the i luv u u luv mi thingy

after that went to have dinner at pasta mania
after mushroom and ham pizza and hawaiin pizza
full-filling
den took neo prints
haha
nice shots

den after that, man and wei go for hair extension
the guy is damn cocky lor...
he is the kind of guy that i hate lor...
dun wish to tok abt him

den went in for the show.
sweet
sad
but its still a fairy tale
sometimes... i really hope i can live in a fairytale
cos most of them have happi ending
but living in this uncertain reality
happi endings is like so unapproachable and unpredictable
im really mermerised by this show lor...
for a moment i feel like i am the cinderella
meeting my prince charming
dance with him at the dance floor
leaving my stuffs behind and he will start to look for mi high and low...
morever, the cinderella in this story shares the same name with mi
oh come on...
things like this only happen in fairytale
we are living in this pragmatic world...
living in sg...
haha
dream on for this type of thingss to come true...

after that,
sat clar's uncle taxi home
and he didnt charge.
clarissa, help mi thank ur uncle 1 more time hor.
on the way, mandy, clarissa and chatted abt our life now and b4
compare and constrast
which makes mi feel tired and pathetic living in this world
thinking of last time
when we get to c others everyday
we do not know how to really care and cherish
until now...den u start to miss the good old days...
y is life always like tt?
leaving with regrets here and there?

*yawn* juz reach home im so full now... juz had macdonalds for lunch cum dinner cum supper with xin hui haha we will like gobbling down the fries lor... damn hungry... den took a cab home with xin cos idragged her to take cab with mi so instead of taking mrt home frm bedok, she had to go home from tanah mehra.. but...but... wat are frens for rite? haha thx xin! luv ya! *^^*

juz came back from Mr Cheong's hsewhich is at admiralty... had bbq for class outing at his condo went admiralty mrt station after work. amanda's father offer a ride so i take his ride haha. thx amanda's father den xinhui had to take over my place to promote mooncakes wonder how did she fare cos she seems like very nervous. haha den when i reach there, we start to barbeque lor but my job is very simple. juz eat. so i eat and eat and eat but i only eat 1 chicken wing cos its very sweet they put lots of honey den i eat lots of nuggets, crab sticks and hot dog... which make mi damn full after that go to the condo games rooms to play pool... 1st time in my life to to hole a long stick but i sucks at it tough make until my hand and neck ached and worst is i cannot aim properly.... wonder how saturday pool session gonna be haha thx for class rep (tobbie) guidiance on how to hold the stick anyway although i think i still haven got the correct way of handling it after that took bus 969 to tampines which is abt 40 mins ride den take bus 10 hm. keep taking bus this few days and the $$ in my card is decreasing at an increasing rate, haizZ

haha....felt that i haven blog for years. not i dunwan to blog but is cos of i too tired to blog. have been working lately. den stand for long hours. once i reach home, i will automatically go bath and den go straight to bed. guess...thats the price i of earning extra cash for the stuffs i want tomorrow school holiday liao. will be having bbq for class outing at my tutor's hse. muz travel back to woodlands again very sian can? although singapore is small part travel from the east to somewhere north west is very long... transport fee also not cheap. but im looking forward to thursday cos im gonna watch a cinderella story oh ya... forgot to mentioned that i saw miss ivy koh today she's my english teacher during my sec 2 days. and she was good. she bought two mooncakes from mi... chatted quite abit. she quit her teaching job to join the law-firm and she says the difference is that she dun nid to scold students anymore. and i saw my primary school vice -principal i also saw my primary sch good buddy-- choon teck haha and...and....i hereby declare that my beloved calculator that i have used for 4 yrs is spoilt. *sobz* so sad lor got energy de pix on my calculator.... got my name which jia min use glass paint to write de... ~~~ feel so terrible now... as if someone close has left mi....

heyheywent k box again today. have been going there now a days n tts because i have the holiday mood now. this gives me the reason to pon school today. haha. felt a little bad cos hui mei was left alone in sch attending all lectures without us. so sorry gal... she was too guai le lah say wat oso dunwan to pon gotta make a trip down to woodlands library again tml... sian.... train again after tt still gotta come back to bedok and work... life is life so like that? money is spent so easily and earning them is so difficult... when u want time to pass slowing...the time will like sit aeroplane like tt...pass so fast y? y? y?

sick todaystomach pain....lau sai haha... went home half way thru lesson almost cannot make it half way thru the journey home. the pain was like making mi gonna faint anytime anywhere called bengawan solo bedok to tell them i can't make it to work today. wonder how is si ying doing. haha. felt so bad....